Most people’s minds are noisy, chaotic, and full of self-judgment and negativity.Most people are even a little afraid to face their own thoughts because of the constant onslaught of worry and anxiety.Therefore, we fill empty time and attention with distractions and busyness to prevent ourselves from being mentally free.
But of course, this escape tactic never really works.The more you run away from the chaos in your own head, the worse it will get.
Like a dirty and disorganized room, the longer you avoid the clutter and chaos of your own mind, the worse it becomes.
In my work as a psychologist, I help clients learn how to calm negative thoughts and declutter their cluttered minds so they can have quality time pursuing their passions instead of running away from their fears.
The following 5 mental habits will make your mind calmer and less anxious.If you want to develop a more peaceful mind, develop better mental habits.
1. Limit Mental Time Travel
One of our greatest strengths as human beings is the ability to travel through time—remembering the past and imagining the future.
Over the course of human history, we’ve used this capacity for mental time travel to imagine, plan, and build incredible achievements. From eradicating smallpox to landing on the moon, our ability to live in the past and the future has tremendous benefits for the present.
But spending too much time outside of the present comes at a cost.
For one thing, it’s often stressful and taxing. Imagining hypothetical problems and how we might solve them is useful in small doses. But when it becomes our default way of thinking—the water we swim in—it can lead to chronic stress and anxiety.
Getting stuck in the past and future can also mean missing out on the present. Many of life’s most enjoyable and meaningful moments happen in the present. But if your mind is stuck worrying about the future or dwelling about the past, you’re likely to miss those precious moments in the here and now.
Visit the past and the future, but never allow yourself to live there.
Remember, we may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can control our attention.Practice focusing your attention on the present moment, and inner peace will surely follow.
2. Keep Your Expectations in Check
“Expectations” can bring few benefits, but many disadvantages.
The problem with expectations is that they are always violated. And these transgressions can have emotional consequences, leading to frequent or persistent frustration, disappointment, and anxiety, which are not conducive to peace of mind. Every time your expectations are violated, you experience two difficult emotions. This is important because painful emotions tend to be multiplicative, not additive.
If you want a calmer, more peaceful state of mind, you need to significantly reduce the positive expectations in your life.You can try this:
- List the five most important people in your life.
- List five expectations you have for each person.
- Let go of three expectations for everyone.
I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that not only does the world not come to an end, but your peace of mind will improve substantially.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Human nature is really weird that we tend to sympathize with other people’s mistakes but criticize our own mistakes harshly.
If a friend called you, upset and worried after making a big mistake at work, you’d most likely respond with compassion and understanding:
“Oh I’m sorry. I can see why you’d be pretty worried. On the other hand, it sounds like most of the presentation went really well and it was just the first part that was rough.”
On the other hand, if you were to make a mistake at work, your own self-talk would likely be far less understanding and compassionate:
“Ah, I’m such an idiot! How could I have flubbed the most important part of the presentation?! My boss probably thinks I’m an idiot.”
Let’s think about it from the opposite side:
What if you could treat yourself when you make mistakes like you would a good friend?
Yes, over the years you have developed the habit of beating yourself up with self-judgment and negative self-talk. But at the end of the day, whatever its origins, it’s a habit. And habits can be changed:
- What if you started to replace your habit of being hard on yourself with being gentle?
- What if you replaced your habit of being critical of yourself with being understanding?
- What if you replaced your habit of being judgmental with yourself with self-compassion?
Next time your brain is racked by negative self-talk and worry, try talking to yourself like a good friend who was struggling with something similar.
4. Cultivate a Values Orientation to Life
People who lack a calm mind can find themselves trapped in an almost endless cycle of worrying, rumination, and other forms of stress and unproductive thinking. Because they have struggled to escape anxiety for so long, they base everything in their lives on escaping anxiety:
- They avoid certain types of people and activities for fear of getting too anxious.
- They avoid certain memories or triggers for fear that they’ll be sucked back into a dark time.
- They avoid being alone with their own minds altogether, keeping themselves constantly busy and occupied.
The problem is, when your entire life revolves around avoiding something scary and uncomfortable, running away becomes the only thing you know to do.
It’s easier to stop worrying about the future when you have something meaningful to do now. This is why it is so important to develop values for life.
Cultivating a values orientation to life means that you strive to make decisions based on your values (your highest goals, aspirations, and principles), especially when your emotions are pulling you in different directions.
If you want a calmer mind, give it a real purpose.
5. Memento Mori
There’s an ancient practice from stoic philosophy to keep a human skull on your desk or place of work. This practice is called memento mori, which is Latin for remember that you must die.
Now, this might sound a little strange, even creepy. But it actually makes a lot of sense, especially if you want to develop a calmer, more peaceful state of mind. The reason is this: Death gives life meaning. Because our time on earth is limited, we need to make the most of it.
As Mary Oliver once said:
What will you do with this one wild and precious life?
Death is a powerful reminder that we only get one chance at life, so we’d better make the most of it. Unfortunately, death is an unsettling thought, even scary. This is often a particularly scary thought if you know deep down that you haven’t been making good use of your time so far.
As a result, many people divert their attention away from death. They always keep themselves busy, mentally or physically, so they don’t have a second left to think about their own mortality and wasted life. But you pay a high price for this frequent distraction: constant anxiety and stress.
You will never have true peace of mind if you’re afraid to be alone with your mind.
In order to slow down your life and relieve constant stress and anxiety, you must face your own mortality and responsibility and do something meaningful with your life. I know this sounds a little intimidating, so start small.
Do one small thing every day to remind yourself that life is short. Maybe copy Mary Oliver’s quote on a sticky note and stick it on your bathroom mirror. If you do this, you will begin to build a tolerance to the anxiety of death and the shame of wasting time. Because only when you can tolerate your fears and anxieties instead of constantly distracting yourself will peace of mind return.
